|Vaya con Dios, my hippi fun
||[May. 18th, 2006|09:40 am]
jenn jenn the twisty funz
I came out here in PA to breathe in some of the country air for the week.. to spend Mother's Day appropriately with mom, to sort some things out in my head with all my free time, and to visit an old friend while still recovering from surgery.
Last night, I came over to Jessie's place in Harrisburg. I hadn't seen her since fall. While Jessie was taking a shower, I was checking my email, since it had been days.. when I noticed that there was an email from someone who I've never spoken to... but I knew who she was. Her name was Jenna. She had been romantically involved with Justin, somewhat soon after I was; and up until now, on and off. Justin never talked about her with me, but I knew about her anyway. When I realized who this email was from, my heart sank. I read her subject.. "A sad cold day, in May" and I just knew... I started to cry before I even read what she had to tell me.
She wrote saying that she wasn't sure if anyone had told me yet, but she wanted me to know, that Justin was gone forever. He died of an overdose on Mother's Day. He was alone, someone found him in his room. She said it was Xanax and dope mixed. She said she knew Justin and I were close.
I brokedown. It took me hours to write her back a reply, mainly just to thank her for telling me but then I just kept writing and writing about him... I don't really know why, I don't even know her.
Now, I am just so fucking sad... I adored that boy. We were in love, once. I kept telling myself, 'Jenn, don't be stupid. You knew this was the path he had chosen'... but what just kills me is that I have been thinking about him lately, more than usual. I was just talking about him yesterday. I've been meaning to get ahold of him just to see how he was doing.
I have never had any sense of closure with Justin Hobday. I think I knew in my heart that something fatal was going to happen to him, and did nothing. NOTHING. I haven't called him in over a year.. assuming that he wouldn't want to hear from me since I broke his heart, and always felt like I had abandoned him. I kept thinking the recent girl in his life would be able to pick up the pieces and fill that missing void of his that I couldn't and he would just forget all about me.
I ultimately just couldnt handle the hardcore drug lifestyle. Ever since the car accident when he nodded out at the wheel, I realized I was so blinded by my love for him to see the truth that I didn't want to see. It was too intense for me... of course I loved the idea that he would stop doing drugs for me, but most of all just to give it up for his own sake. I really wanted him to have a life again, whether I was in it or not... it just wasn't that easy. He was so far gone on that junk, it was like there was no turning back.
I wish I could just talk to him and hold him one last time. Tell him that I wish I was a better friend to him after our relationship fell apart. Tell him all the things I loved about him, and how I remember everything that was good about us above what was wrong. How I remember him telling me it was love at first sight when we met at R.O.A.R in D.C, in the fall of 2003. Tell him how sorry I am that our love wasn't enough to keep us together like I thought it could.. but most of all, I wish that I could have saved him somehow, and that I would've been enough to keep him away from that dark place.
The reality is that I wasn't, and never would be... neither was Jenna. A part of me will always love him, and a part of me feels like it has died too. I don't even have the strength to go to his funeral. I must visit his grave as soon as I can.
One of my favorite Justin quotes "I think, therefore, I ambient"
r.i.p Justin Hobday, my hippi fun. I will always remember how you were.
so fucking beautiful :*(